12-22-2010 (Colleyville, TX, USA)
I'm definitely feeling some trepidation about leaving the country and moving to Paris for seven months. I just left Norman on Monday night and the week seems like it is flying by. It feels like there is so much to do and so many loose ends to tie up before leaving. All of my belongings are clogging up my parents garage and all my clothes are sporadically thrown about on the dining room table waiting to be folded, sorted, and packed. I still have no idea how to pay my first month's rent or deposit before I move in and I need to be able to stay in my apartment the day I arrive. Also, I'm clueless as to what credits from OU will be able to transfer to IFP. Needless to say, I think I could do without another organization behavior class. Ick....
My recent ended relationship is definitely taking a toll on my ability to be excited or happy. I feel as though I could cry at any minute due to the significant feeling of loss I am experiencing. I'm still so confused as to what happened or why. Although I don't think it was anything I did or didn't do in the course of the relationship, I can't help but feel like I am lacking somehow or that it was possibly my fault. I am also having paranoid feelings that my ex left me for someone else or the possibility of being with someone else. My sense of worth is in shambles as I try to clutch the last remnants of what was lost close to my heart. The recent memories of lying next to my love in bed, stroking her skin as she listened to my heartbeat stings me like an open wound that won't heal. Just when I think I have a handle on the situation, tears flow like blood from the cut.
Readers might be asking themselves, "Hey Chris, isn't this a travel blog? Why are you boring me with your stupid feelings and what not?" I guess the reason is that I feel like my relationship might not have ended if I hadn't made the choice to travel to France. I'm feeling guilty and confused about my decision even though I know it is too late to change things. I am going to try my best to enjoy my time in France, but I'm sure that it will take more of an effort now than it ordinarily would. My sadness is deep and relentless. I hope that writing these posts, while heart-wrenching, will help me explore my own thoughts on the situation. Also it will give you, the reader (if you so desire,) an insight into what I am going through at the moment.
People say that time heals all wounds, but how can you recover from a love that transcended time and distance? Though they say that true love comes once in a lifetime, I can attest to the fact that I continually fell in love, again and again, with the same person each day. I felt like my love was still growing, it had not diminished, and it had not been fully experienced or explored. I'll always regret (if in fact this is forever) that I will never know the full depths, dimensions, and aspects of giving and receiving love to/from her. As always, to my friends, family, and well-wishers, your friendship and support are much appreciated.
Song of the Day: Vibrate by Ghostland Observatory (the groove cheers me up)
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